She speaks. Or rather, she writes.

Me : It’s pretty cool that you brought along you kids for this
Person I just met #1 : Yeah
Me : Ehh, where’s your younger daugther?
P.I.J.M #1: Oh she’s sleeping in the room
Me : Oh that’s right, you got a maid with you
Stunned silence
P.I.J.M #1: She’s my MOM.

Needless to say, that potential friendship ended pretty quick.

Tomorrow is the first day of my potential (at least) 2 and half year career. One shot to make an impression that’ll last a loonggg 2 years. So wish me luck!

Things to get done:
1. Go back 3 weeks in time and NOT spend it eating like a pig
2. Cut fingernails, hair and kill that budding zit.
3. Prepare 10 cups of coffee for assured hyperness.
4. Stop blogging and instead go read up about Tractors Malaysia and Sime Darby. Maybe read a lil about Labour Day Laws and lecture em about it too.

Ta!

Day 1- I apparently don’t look like “Pn. Noor”

Greeted by the tour guide, had funny borderline insulting
comments passed at me, and was whisked away for a seafood dinner at Jimbaran.
Later had a magician on the street amaze and wow me- in a bad way. Nothing Mr. Nyoman
didn’t help solve.

Day 2 – Where dirty lil Asians deserve to die (as portrayed
by our loving Aussies)

City girl is amazed at paddy fields

Highlight of the day was the volcano in Kintamani, and
coffee making process.

Then came the cleansing process at temples and education
on why all the gates in Bali are split in two with a wallright smack in front of it. (It’s to keep demons out, cus demons
can’t turn left or right so when they go through the gates they hit a wall and
give up) -Yes, demons haven’t gone through evolution for the simple act of
turning, they must not want to possess us all that much eyh?

Very much a Hindu land, the Balinese people have

beliefs and fears that dictate their everyday life. Each morning and evening an
offering is laid out for blessings, and street vendors give “good” prices for
the first and last customers for the day. Which makes us hitting the markets at
sunset a good thing. Bikin pelaris yaa..

Day 3 – Thank God I speak Malay!

Cus you get special Non White prices for everything you do.
So begins the tale of me flying in air.(And getting the skin on my face roasted
to perfection) Then getting attacked by flapping turtles and pulling a Britney.

Later had lunch on a hilltop that had temperamental rain-
only when I step out. The Hindu God seemed to hate me~ or blessing me. Really
depends on perspective. Beautiful scenery, beautiful gardens, beautiful temple.

Ended the day at Tanah Lot where there was (surprise!)
another temple. When the tide is high I the area where I stand should be submerged,
making the temple seem to be floating.

Day 4- I am reminded of Cape Point

Made
the journey to the southern tip of Bali to see the Cliffside

temple

of

Uluwatu

framed by the

Indian ocean

.. This, by far, was
the most beautiful place for me in

Bali

. Most
famous for its sunset view, we escaped the hordes of tourists by seeing it in
the morning. 

More pictures later :) Friendster blogging is ruining my post- Bali- hyper mood.

So I had a medical checkup today, hence my very own version of : Tips for surviving a medical check up

**Especially For women

1. Wear a sleeveless top- makes it all the more easier to take your blood pressure without having to spoil all your pretty tight clothes.

2. **Wear a loose fitting SKIRT- cus in private hospitals; apparently you don’t get the squat toilet. So you gotta get your urine in a cup using a sitting toilet. And to do that, you gotta spread your legs WIDE open. Either that or take off your pants. And it being Malaysia, the floors are never dry so it’s super gross to do that.

3. **Wear pretty underwear- it’s awkward enough to get semi naked in front of a doctor, they don’t exactly have lockers to hide your discolored, worn-out and plain ugly bras and panties. You gota hold em while the doctor pokes and prods.

4. Bring along an MP3 player or something to its equivalent- you want to be able to shut out the wailings and screaming of the patients who are sissies when it comes to taking blood. It’s a terrible thing to be next in line for a needle when the previous idiot made it seem like childbirth.

5. Do pump ups or something like that before the check up- it helps make your veins visible and the doctors would be spoilt for choice when it comes to picking the largest vein. Why small veins are bad? PAIN

6. Have a balance of fasting- Eat nothing and drink nothing but plain water would make your urine super healthy, but your blood pressure will be on the low side. Eat your heart out and your blood pressure would be ok but the urine would have spikes of sugar or whatever else that is not healthy.

7. **Know the exact date of your last menstruation- everyone from the x-ray dept to the toxilogy dept apparently have a fetish in knowing about it.

8. Don’t make smart assed comments- doctors are creatures with absolute no sense of humor and will look at you with murder in their eyes if you attempt to ease the awkwardness of a situation by cracking jokes. If they ask whether you’re pregnant, give an empathic NO instead of saying “I hope not”. Unless you really are pregnant of course. In which case wtf are you doing trying to get an x-ray?

9. Wear clothes with light materials- unless you want your record to show your weight as 2 kgs above the actual. And wear slip on sandals- its such a hassle to take off shoes for height measurement especially with the nurse looking like she would love to rip em shoes out from underneath you.

10. Always know the objective of your medical check up- if it’s for personal knowledge and well being, then by all means, ask as many questions and be as truthful as possible. If it’s for a goddamn employment, LIE. If it’s
         something serious like cancer or TB, you’d need your future employer to foot the bill. So get as clean and as healthy record down as possible. Muahahahah…

That’s about it. I met 2 other people who would eventually
become my colleagues, and they’re both bitching cus they had offers from IBM
and MISC or whatever AFTER they signed the contract. The contract is apparently
not breakable. So, in retrospect, perhaps I’d better NOT get the job from
(s)hell. Hmm.

Looks pretty doesn’t it? I thought so too. The nightmare
before wasn’t though. Mad frenzy to drive cars to higher ground and roll up
carpets. Anyhow, no real damage except perhaps that really cute neighbor down
the street will never want to date me, I was worse than my worst that night –
ugly baju kelawar, mussed, limp hair and bloodshot eyes. I think there was a
lil bit of dried up drool somewhere hahahaha. But hey, who else can say they
walked around their taman in nighties??

End of heavy-continuous-rain drama.

Interview story.

What’s the most stressful situation you’ve encountered? What’s
the most difficult situation you’ve been in? When did you feel most challenged?
What was your most demanding task and how did you solve it? What project gave
you most satisfaction and why? Have you worked with difficult people and how
did you deal with it?

Yes, demanding, stressful, difficult and challenged DO NOT
mean the same thing.

Then we talked about National Parks! Yes, NATIONAL PARKS. As
in the advantages and disadvantages of national parks.

I wonder if I’ll get the job. HMmmmm..

..because one person starts it.. And before you can say
Iwantanicedcaramelmacchiato, you’re tagged! And all the stars and moon align
themselves so well you have nothingg else to blog about so you be one of
"those" people (the ones that believe hoax friendster-is-closing-down
msgs) and oblige. Muahahaha..

RULES: People who are tagged should write a blog post of
6 weird things about them as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you
need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to
leave a comment that says ‘you are tagged’ in their comments and tell them to
read your blog.

1. When I’m really stressed from the heat, I draw a circle on my porch, hold a
lighter and make owl noises while dancing and singing to call for the rain. Always
works. People say it’s my abysmal voice quality that makes the higher powers
oblige.

2. Everytime I see a frog, I kiss it. Sometimes I get it wrong and kiss a toad
instead, yuck! All in the name of finding true love. Sigh.

3. Remember the Truman show?? I believe ever since they
busted that one up, they are now doing the Azlina show. I’ve caught them a
couple of times (nothing as huge as lights falling from the sky, more like
people whispering behind my back and looking at me funny.. ) They’re pretty good
at keeping the secret. I guess they learnt after Truman.

Now THAT’S what I call weird. As usual, real life is sooo by far, less
entertaining :

1. My life is not worth living without coffee in the mornings. No, wait. YOUR
life is not worth living if I don’t have coffee in the mornings.

2. I don’t like kids, but for some weird higher-powers-are
laughing-their-ass-off reasons, they (kids) cannot leave me alone when they see
me. Same thing with cats. I have been banned from three (3) close friends’ home
because of my expressed desire to hurt children. I believe more bannings are
forthcoming once I publish this.

3. I love the smell of petroleum.

4. I talk to myself. Constantly. I’ve got a factory of "little

lynns" inside my
head that constantly demand attention. Try saying ‘no’ to something inside your
head. It’s easier to humour them.

5. I never have opinions. Like seriously. I’m one of those atas pagar people
that annoy everyone else because they never pick sides. If you ask me to choose
between two options, I’d list the pros and cons of both and make YOU decide. Apparently,
that’s a sign of bad leadership. Sigh. Whatever happened to the days of leaders
not doing anything but lepak all day?

6. I can’t tell the difference between C class Merc or an S class. In fact, I
have trouble distinguishing a Volvo, Merc, Honda and BMW in itself, much less
the models. Appaling, I know. On the bright side, it used to be worse. At least
I now can tell Malaysian cars apart.

I’m not even CLOSE to being weird. Damn.

Everyone who reads is considered tagged.

Yo Ladies! The men has women all figured out! They know all they need to do when
women share feelings (read: whine, bitch and feel sorry for ourselves)
is to shut up and go "ummmmm" or "you poor thing" and NEVER offer
suggestions on how to solve it.

Your basic John Gray (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) material.

BUt but but BUTTTTTTTT… (And this is something I noticed recently)
John Gray’s theory doesn’t work for the guys! No letting them sit
morosely in their caves, stewing and thinking their way out. No letting
them handle it all by themselves. No leaving them alone until they are
ready to be back in the society. It works with the older generation,
but boy, the younger men are breaking the mould.

I think it’s a pandemic that needs to be addressed worldwide.

Women all around are finding it increasingly difficult to decipher
wtf’s wrong with men around them, and leaving them alone is NOT
working. Asking them what is wrong and trying to be sympathetic simply
backfires. Ignoring the whole situation and feverishly praying that
it’ll miraculously disappear is plain stupid, but desperate times calls
for desperate measures, so women do it anyway. (N no, it doesn’t work).
Finding solutions on their (men’s) behalf is redundant, cus "women solutions"
are well, women’s. Not applicable apparently. N the last ploy I keep as
a back up, strictly to be used in dire circumstances : praise them and
"look up" to them as superhero materials (as advised by another male
friend) ALSO does not work!

Uma Thurman should star in a movie aptly named What MEN want. Cus I’m
beginning to think the general men’s mantra of "Women are so
complicated" is a ploy to divert our attention as to how complicated
THEY are. Turning lesbian would not work, you’d still have men at work, men at home and men just loitering everywhere.

I’m sure y’all have read this, but I’m copy pasting it for
kicks. (credit: unknown)

If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;

If u Don’t, he says u are PROUD.

If u DRESS nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;

If u Don’t, he says u are a tramp.

If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;

If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.

If u are SMARTER than him, he’ll lose FACE;

If he’s Smarter than u, he is GREAT.

If u don’t Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;

If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)

If u don’t make love with him., he says u don’t Love him;

If u do!! he says u are CHEAP.

If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME;

If u don’t, he says that u don’t TRUST him.

If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;

If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.

If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;

If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.

If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;

If he SMOKES, he is a GENTLEMAN.

If u do WELL in your exams, he says it’s LUCK;

If he does WELL, it’s BRAINS.

If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;

If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE & sooo hard to please!!

Happy Chinese New Year! Cheerios!~

So the other day my mom asked how come all my friends were
female, don’t I have male friends? Hmm. What can you possible say to THAT?

Well you can say many things. You can tell the truth, you
can lie. You can bring along a male friend the next time, or you can say you’re  a  lesbian. Just don’t say what I said.

I said “Mom, when you absolutely HAVE to marry me off, and I
don’t have a male friend yet, feel free to look for one for me”.

It was a joke! A joke!!

Mom: Serious ah? I’ve got a couple of offers oredi

Me: WHAT?!??!

Mom: You know (insert name here)?

Me: No

Mom: Well they have a son who is a (insert profession here). Very stable. (Insert
descriptive term here). You can ask grandma for more details. She’ll get you a
man in no time.

Repeat whole conversation 3 times. Ouch.

My only saving grace is that my mom’s racist. Towards our
own race, whatever race that might be. So she doesn’t quite want me to marry “apne
atmi- our people”. Something vague about interbreeding and eternal slavery and
whatnots. Hahahaha. My mom cracks me up. And since all the offers are from “our
people”, I’m in pretty good hands.

Mangni Chut Pat Shaadi – a phrase I never want to hear.
Unless it’s John Abraham’s mom saying it. Or maybe Abishek Bachan’s mom. I’d
have to kill Ashwarya Rai first though.

*Violent daydreaming begins*

Happy post!! Note : Written on the 12th, internet was too slow for photos. Final paragraph was done today though, Happy Bday Azlan!

It’s the year of pigs and piglets y’all!!!~ That makes me 2
dozen years old! Short one year from a quarter of century! Short 2 years from
sagging boobies! Short 4 years of when I have to be married or I will be
married off! Short 6 years of expected motherhood (shit!~) Short 12 years
before 3 dozen years! Short 31 years before retirement! Short (hopefully) 50
years before death!

 
When I put it that way, I’m really pretty young aren’t I??
Hehahaheheh.

 
Plus, all the ranting become insignificant when I realize
that I am TECHNICALLY a dog. As in born in the year of dogs, being born before
the CNY and all. Which means I should’ve been saying all this LAST year. Which
doesn’t quite make a point, but I’m feeling like typing right now so ignore the
illogical.

 
And I’m technically only 4 years old- adult old that is. The
first 21 years were child old.

 
Oh boy. Is it just me or do you see someone really cracked
up here??

So I had nothing to do and did this:

Birthdays at 2, 4, 5, 6 then jump straight to 19- 24. Either
I was too ugly to be photographed, or the arrival of evil younger brother stole
all attention from the rightful anak
bongsu (Me!) Hehehehe. Then some 14 years later parents realize their tactical
error (sons don’t shower enough love to them) and start lavishing me with
the deserving and fascinated loving worthy of an awesome daughter like me. Me! Me! ME!! MUahAHahAHAHahahAHha

Lesson for today? If you read your sister’s blog, don’t let
her know. Much less kutuk. Hehehe.. The gleeful horns just manifests itself.

1. Being
        a frickin woman. 

Seriously? -Seriously. I hate
having mood swings that I cannot control, even after I tell myself that its
just hormones. I hate getting all emotional over something that normally would
not bother me at all. And I swear, anyone that starts suggesting Evening
Primrose Oil and other half baked theories I’d kill them.

2. Being
        an intern

Well. I think I’d hate being a
worker too, but that’s beside the point. I wish I was a politician. I’d be
frickin rich and all I have to do is pretend I give a damn about the taxpayers.
Then go for “educational” holidays. Like all the frickin time.

3. Being
        a product of the Malaysian Education System

It’s sad, really. We’re all sorry
excuses for the term university graduates. And now they’re so called revamping
the M.E.S. Sounds like a load of politician hoo haa crap. Think out of the box?
Whaatt?? And risk getting a D? Might as well conform. At least we get an A, and
stupid Malaysian Edu System bosses would be fooled into believing that we’re
worth something. Did I say we?? No, I meant them. All the other idiots roaming
around.

4. Being
        Malaysian

Everything about this country is
depressing. You know how Bush got slammed by the media because of his slow
response to Katrina?? How long did it take OUR leader to visit disaster
stricken Johor?? And stating the obvious like “Everyone is a victim” or “I will
speed things up” is really helpful. No, really.

While we’re on that I wonder if the
Selangor MB is gonna sit around and wait for the next wave of floods to hit
Shah Alam. It has been almost a year, and the works for the Damansara river is
oh so soooo progressive I pee in my pants every time I see improvement.

Update : Apparently I’m not the
only one bitchy

5. Government
        servants.

This guy that was supposed to
supervise repair work my men (ooh saying MY men is sooo orgasmic,
wonderwoman-ish hahahaha) nways. Supervise work my men were doing. Told us to
hurry up because it was 3.30 and he wanted to go for a tea break. Nevermind
Noon-2pm he was MIA presumably having lunch… And take a wild guess what time he
gets in for work.

6. Mat
        Rempits

Suicidal Ninkampoops.

7. Traffic
        Jams

It almost makes getting off work at
530 redundant. Might as well work til 8 and get home at 830. Then get in late
the next day. Sigh. If only I made the rules..

8. The
        super slow internet

I know, I know. It was a natural
disaster, people died and all. But. Still.

9. Pretty
        people. Man and women alike.

Why? Cus they make me feel ugly.
But using this concept I should hate smart people too, cus they shud
technically make me feel stupid. Or tall people. Or thin people. I dunno tho.
Only seems to happen with pretty people. Hormones, hormones.

10. My
         stupid curtains.

Hahahaha. I actually ran out of
things to hate. So my curtains that do not do an adequate job of filtering
sunlight in the mornings are my next target of hatred.

So there you go. Spread the hatred,
make my day!

Apparently, I have too many whiny male sometimes chauvinistic friends and relatives. I still love you all, but that’s not gonna stop me from ranting.

Men say they hate clingy women.. and yet.. they want to be admired, respected and NEEDED. Feeds their manly shit and all. Damsel in distress fantasy crap.

Scenario#1

Female: Oh darling what would I do withuot you.. You are my haert, my soul, my everything. you.. complete me

Male: Hoorah for you my good woman. You have fed my insatiable ego and made our relationship stronger.

Scenario #2

Female: I’m sick laa.. Can help take me to the doctor?

Male: AIyooohhh you women are all the same! Weak! I tell you aaahhh… Without us men you wud surely have been extinct!

Then there’s the whole "jual mahal" vs "too easy argument".

Men whine about women (waaaay out of their leagues of course) "jual mahal" but the ones that like em and respond all friendly and nice are immidietly rejected because "too easy" lah. No challenge. Primitive urges to hunt and conquer not fed.

What about the equal rights thingy??

Men: OMG you don’t know how to cook?!?!? The world has ended! We are doomed to starvation!

in the very same breath…

Men: That bitch didn’t pay for her share of food on our date! What does she think I am?!??! Her bank account?!??

Or in marriages..

Men: Alaa sayang.. you pay the electricity and astro bill laaaa.. Help me a bit. After all u working oso right.. Oh yeahh.. N baby’s diapers need to be changed.. And I’m getting hungry.. What time would lunch be served? And oh, I think upstairs needs cleaning laaa, I was sneezing all night. Oh look.. Baywatch is showing on Star World..

Lets not get started on the sex issues.

Next blog will be a rant on why know-it-all doctors need a whack on their heads.